I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
You Might Also Like
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
women dont read this…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]