Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
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Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.