I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*