It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
I’m putting together a team
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)