im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
You Might Also Like
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.