“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
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Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a āfunā talk?
Me: not for you
What base is it when he says āI know you need it badlyā but heās talking about sleep.
*jazz hands*
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling CāMON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Beware of the dog..
Iām not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. Iām just saying..fire is dangerous and babies canāt juggle.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
ok wowā¦ unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
If youāre going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
had a talk with my manager where i told him itās hard to do my job when iām left off of emails/meetings and he said āwell when youāre left out just let me knowā and then i stared at him until he went ābut if you were left out, you wouldnāt knowā¦.ā
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Looking at a guy in great shape: š„š„
Looking at a girl in great shape: šš
Looking at workout equipment: š
When Iām washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I donāt want to do it. Iām in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap