Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
You Might Also Like
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.