I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby