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It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
when dads have a rap battle
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit