[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
You Might Also Like
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
satan: not today, microsoft teams
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.