Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
You Might Also Like
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Who knew!
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away