My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!