My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
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If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.