Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
I drew y’all a little something.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
This tweet lives in my head rent free.