5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
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My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes