Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
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Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.