This is funnier than it should be. 馃槀
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody鈥檚 watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I鈥檝e just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven鈥檛 found one seal.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there鈥檚 a word to describe that.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can鈥檛 do it(goes ahead in time to when he鈥檚 a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*