Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
termite twitter scares me
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie