Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
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The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.