Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how