Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
men, we mow at sunrise.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
The only equipped I am is ill.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding