How and why my FUR ROOM exists
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
early stone age tool
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?