Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.