I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
How dramatic are you?
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft