Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
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Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.