Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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Remember to think of others this holiday season!
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me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
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Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!