The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
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Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you