I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
A man of commitment.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
the greatest twitter interaction
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.