Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
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Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.