lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
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Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.