Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-