<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”