My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
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COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.