I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
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FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Candles never taste the way they smell
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.