A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
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When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.