listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.