I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
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Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her