The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
What the hell is going on?
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
couldn’t resist
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.