“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
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I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.