Good point.
You Might Also Like
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife