“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
For when Tinder doesn’t work
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him