You Might Also Like
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Meow
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
no cat here
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later: