A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide