Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…