[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.