How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]