The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
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Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.