Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
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My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.