[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
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I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.