If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
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Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Brb my Sims are getting married
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage